Falling in love at 47 was something I never saw coming, especially after the heartbreak of my first marriage. Now, as I prepare to marry John, my teenage daughter, Emilia, is struggling to accept him. Balancing my love for John and my bond with Emilia, I’m faced with difficult choices and unspoken fears.
I never could have imagined that at 47, I would fall in love again, or that I would ever want a relationship after my failed first marriage, which ended 12 years ago.
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For a long time, I thought I was done with love. My ex-husband had been horrible to me. He constantly nagged, telling me I wasn’t doing enough around the house, even though I worked just as much as he did.
His words cut deep, especially when he made fun of me for gaining weight after my pregnancy. He didn’t care how hard I was trying or how much I juggled. I knew he was cheating, but I forgave him every time.
I told myself it was for the sake of our family, for our daughter. But when my then 4-year-old Emilia saw him with another woman, something broke inside me. That was the final straw. I couldn’t live like that anymore.
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The only good thing from that marriage is Emilia. She’s my everything—the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve always been close.
For so long, it was just her and me, like a team against the world. I never thought I needed anyone else until a year ago when John came into my life.
John was different. He made me feel loved and cared for in ways I hadn’t felt in years. He treated Emilia with kindness, like she was his own daughter. Watching the two of them together gave me hope. I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, John could be the father Emilia never had.
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But everything changed after he proposed. Suddenly, Emilia wasn’t the same. She argued with John, with me, and left the house every time he came over. I didn’t understand it, and it broke my heart.
One evening, I sat in the kitchen with John, staring down at my cup of tea. I sighed, feeling the weight of everything. “I don’t know what to do,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
John looked at me, concerned. “Maybe we should start meeting at my place instead?” he suggested.
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I shook my head. “We’re getting married soon. What are we supposed to do, live apart then too?” I sighed again, feeling even more frustrated. “I don’t understand why she’s acting like this.”
John leaned back in his chair, thinking. “She’s jealous, Lucy. It’s been just you and her for so long. Now, you’ve got someone else in your life. Someone who’s taking up your time and love.”
“I guess,” I said. “But you two were fine before. She liked you.”
“That was different,” he replied calmly. “Back then, I was just your boyfriend. Now I’m going to be your husband and her stepfather. That’s a big change for her.”
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I nodded slowly. “You’re right. But I still don’t know what to do.”
John reached for my hand. “Talk to her,” he said softly.
I snorted, trying to hide my nerves. “Talk to a teenage girl? That’s like walking into a fire.”
John smiled. “No, talk to your daughter. She needs you.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, wishing I had the answers.
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The next day, I knew I had to talk to Emilia. I stood outside her door for a moment before knocking. “Come in,” she said, sounding annoyed. I could almost hear her eyes rolling.
I stepped inside, feeling nervous, and sat down on the edge of her bed. She looked at me, waiting for me to speak. “I wanted to talk to you,” I said.
Emilia raised an eyebrow but said nothing.
“I know it’s probably hard for you, with John becoming part of our family,” I said, trying to meet her gaze.
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She shrugged. “It’s not hard. John’s fine.”
“Then why do you leave every time he comes over?” I asked, keeping my voice calm. “And why do you argue with him?”
“Just because,” she muttered.
I took a deep breath. “Look, just because I love John doesn’t mean I’ll love you any less. You’re my daughter, and—”
She cut me off, her voice rising. “I don’t believe that!” she shouted. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I have homework.”
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Her words stung, but I stood up slowly. “Alright. But if you ever want to talk, you can always come to me. It’s still you and me against the world, remember?”
Emilia didn’t respond. I looked at her for a moment, hoping for something, but she stayed silent. With a heavy heart, I left the room.
As the wedding day got closer, Emilia’s behavior only got worse. Every decision John and I made, she had a problem with. If we liked a caterer, she’d complain about the menu.
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It wasn’t until we chose the one she recommended that the complaints stopped. Picking out my wedding dress became a two-week ordeal, and she insisted on making my bouquet herself.
I thought it was her way of staying involved, but each time she demanded something to be changed, I could feel the tension growing. She had her own dress altered seven times, and John quietly paid for each adjustment.
It wasn’t just the wedding preparations that were exhausting—it was seeing how much pain she was in. I knew she was struggling, but I didn’t know how to help. Her anger felt like a wall between us, and every day, it seemed to grow taller.
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“Maybe we should cancel the wedding,” I said to John one evening, my voice soft.
John looked at me, surprised. “What? Did I do something wrong?” he asked, concerned.
“No, you’re perfect,” I reassured him. “I love you, and that hasn’t changed. It’s just Emilia…”
John nodded, understanding. “This is really hard for her,” he said, confirming what I had feared all along.
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“Yes,” I admitted, finally saying the words out loud. “I thought maybe if we just kept dating, she would come around. She might accept it better if we didn’t rush.”
John took a deep breath and said, “Lucy, I’ll support you no matter what. But this is your life, not Emilia’s. In two years, she’ll be in college, living her own life.”
“I know,” I replied, my chest tightening. “But it hurts to see her struggling like this.”
John reached for my hand. “You’re not alone in this. I’m here for both of you. We’ll figure it out together. I just want to make you both happy.”
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Then he paused as if considering something. “Actually, I’ve been thinking… I’d like to adopt Emilia. If she’s willing, of course. I already see her as my daughter.”
Tears filled my eyes as I threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly. Somewhere in the hallway, I heard a small noise, but I didn’t pay it much attention. Right now, I was focused on the love and support I had right in front of me.
The wedding day had finally come, and I felt both excited and nervous. I prayed to every god I could think of, hoping everything would go smoothly. But it seemed my prayers went unheard. Just minutes before the ceremony, my friend Kyra hurried into the room, looking worried.
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“Lucy, we have a problem,” she said, her voice tense. My heart sank instantly. “Emilia hasn’t shown up yet.”
“What do you mean, she hasn’t shown up?” I asked, feeling my chest tighten.
“I don’t know,” Kyra said. “She’s not answering her phone or replying to texts.”
Panic rushed through me. I didn’t even think before I bolted out of the room to find John. When I saw him, I blurted out, “Emilia’s gone. She’s disappeared.”
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John stayed calm. “Go find her,” he said with a small smile.
“But the ceremony starts in twenty minutes,” I said, unsure.
“Go,” he repeated, his voice gentle. “This wedding won’t mean anything if Emilia isn’t there.”
I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tight. In that moment, I knew—once again—that I had chosen the right man.
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I had a feeling I knew where Emilia might be. My heart raced as I drove to the old playground we used to visit when she was younger. Sure enough, when I arrived, I spotted her sitting on one of the swings, her head down, gently swaying back and forth. Relief washed over me.
“Hey,” I said as I approached her, trying to keep my voice steady.
Emilia looked up at me, her eyes red and filled with tears. “Mom? What are you doing here? Isn’t your wedding starting soon?”
I sat down on the swing next to her and shook my head. “The ceremony doesn’t matter without you,” I said.
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She wiped her eyes and asked, “How did John take it? Did he leave you?”
“No, he didn’t leave,” I assured her. “He’s the one who sent me to find you. He told me the same thing I just told you—the ceremony won’t mean anything if you’re not there.”
Emilia blinked, surprised. “Really? He said that?”
I nodded. “What’s going on, Emilia? Why are you trying to stop the wedding? I thought you liked John.”
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“It’s not that,” she muttered. “It’s… it’s just that it’s always been you and me. I thought it would always stay that way. What if he leaves us like Dad did? I couldn’t handle that again.”
Hearing her say that made my heart ache. “So that’s what this is about? You’re testing John?”
She sighed, her voice small. “Not on purpose… but maybe.”
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I reached over and took her hand. “Sweetheart, you don’t need to protect me. I’m the one who’s supposed to protect you. And trust me, John isn’t going anywhere. He loves both of us. He even told me he wants to adopt you.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I overheard you two talking about it. That’s why I’m not at the ceremony right now. What if I let him in, and then he just… leaves? I’m scared, Mom.”
I pulled her into my arms, holding her tight. “Oh, baby. I’m scared too. But love is about taking risks. We don’t know the future, but we choose love because it’s worth it.”
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She rested her head on my shoulder. “I don’t know if I’m ready…”
“I get it,” I said softly. “But no matter what, you’ll always have me. No one, not even John, can change that. You and I? We’ve been a team from the start.”
Emilia let out a small laugh. “But now John’s part of the team too…”
I smiled and squeezed her hand. “It’s easier to fight with three of us, don’t you think?”
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She nodded, smiling a little. “I guess so.”
“Do you trust me?” I asked, looking her in the eyes. She nodded.
“And I trust John. Can you trust my trust?”
After a moment, she nodded again. “Yes.”
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I stood up, holding out my hand. “Then let’s go. I’m late to my own wedding,” I said with a wink.
Emilia took my hand, standing up beside me. We shared a tight hug, knowing that no matter what, we would always have each other.
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Matt Heath: My parting message: Enjoy things while they are around
A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
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